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Blogs are like assholes

I love blogs. Not because most of them have anything meaningful to say (in fact, 99.9% are bad Seinfeldian takes on daily life), but because every blogger thinks they're saying something original or provocative. Even better than the opinions is the snobbery. Give someone a platform and they'll bitch and moan about everything and everyone (except other bloggers). Here's a typical day in the life of a blogger:

7:00 AM Wake up
7:01 AM Run to computer to see if anyone comments on yesterday's blog posts
7:02 AM Create new post about how stupid alarm clocks are
7:15 AM Burn toast in toaster
7:16 AM Post about how burnt toast sucks
7:20 AM Send links to all of my blogger friends
7:25 AM Take a shower, drop the soap
7:35 AM Post about how soap shouldn't be slippery, read own blog and laugh at amusing burnt toast post
7:40 AM Get dressed, head out door to work
7:41 AM Check for trackbacks and comments on own blog one last time before leaving for work
8:01 AM Get to work, log into PC
8:02 AM Post about the traffic and a funny billboard on the way to work.
8:06 AM Check for comments and trackbacks on previous days posts.
8:08-11:59 AM Bounce around from blog to blog, checking to see what other bloggers are talking about
12 Noon -- Lunch!
12:01 PM Post about soggy bread and the guy at the office that said "which" instead of "that" in a passing hallway conversation.
12:02 PM Check for comments and trackbacks on toast and traffic posts
12:03-1 PM -- Still lunch!
1:01 PM Check for daily news articles to post about. Mostly just look at other blogs and see what they said, then try to come up with a witty comment or spin on their take.
2:00 PM Post witty comment on another blog
2:01 PM Check blog stats to see if anyone's reading my blog
2:05 PM Email to Sitemeter complaining about lack of users and that something must be wrong with their tracking
2:06 PM Back to the news, look for more daily events
2:08 PM Run to bathroom
2:10 PM Post about how your work never has enough toilet paper and how the floor is always wet in the Men's room
2:12 PM Check for comments and trackbacks on earlier posts
2:15 PM Search Technorati to make sure tags are showing up, wonder why other blogs are ranked higher
2:20 PM Boss requests private meeting about internet usage at work
2:45 PM Post about receiving 4th warning this week about blogging from work, boss's stain on shirt
2:47 PM Put head down, take short nap
3:15 PM Start eyeing clock to see if it's 5, post about how long the day seems when you're not blogging
3:20 PM Check for comments and trackbacks on earlier posts
3:25 PM Ping Technorati and email complaint about Tag search results
3:45 PM Check out Craigslist (Ebay is SOOOO 2002) for new gigs, daily banter with co-worker
3:50 PM Post about how cube life sucks, new stapler and iPod mods
4:00 PM-4:30 PM Check for comments and trackbacks on earlier posts, comment on other blogs
4:31 PM Take off from work, scuff shoe on doorjam on the way out
4:32 PM Blackberry blog post about scuffed shoe
5:00 PM Home at last, check for comments and trackbacks on earlier posts, wonder why no one reads your blog or comments
5:05 PM Dinner time! Bust out a can of Spaghetti-O's
5:06 PM Blog about Spaghetti-O's
5:09 PM-5:30 PM Surf news sites that haven't been updated since 7:30 AM, blog about lack of updating on news sites
5:31 PM Check for comments and trackbacks on Spaghetti-O's post
5:35 PM Continue working on homemade "Linux ROCKS!" ad, try emailing the homemade iPod ad guy
7:00 PM Blog about what a jerk the homemade iPod guy is for not responding immediately to your request for an interview for your blog
7:05 PM Check for comments and trackbacks
7:10 PM Ping Technorati with new posts
7:12 PM Launch Instant Messenger; have no friends, therefore no friends online
7:13 PM Post blog about how only losers spend their time NOT blogging
7:17 PM Check for comments and trackbacks
7:20 PM Head outside with digital camera, take pictures of neighborhood trash, pigeon shit, buildings, funny t-shirt a guy on the street is wearing
8:00 PM Post photos to Flickr and "offline" experience to blog
9:00 PM Ping technorati, check for comments and trackbacks
9:01 PM Turn on COPS
9:22 PM Blog about stupid people during COPS commercial break
9:23 PM Check for comments and trackbacks
9:55 PM Put pajamas on, blog about toothpaste manufacturers screwing everyone by not making the top of the tube soft to get all of the toothpaste out
10:00 PM Check for comments and trackbacks
10:01 PM Set Blackberry alerts for any comments or trackbacks on blog
10:02 PM Night night

OK, so it's not THAT bad... but it's not that far off either.

Comments

Audrey said…
sorry to hear about your burnt toast...
David Binkowski said…
wah wah wah

i don't burn toast, and if i do, i definitely won't blog about it!

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