Blogs are like assholes

I love blogs. Not because most of them have anything meaningful to say (in fact, 99.9% are bad Seinfeldian takes on daily life), but because every blogger thinks they’re saying something original or provocative. Even better than the opinions is the snobbery. Give someone a platform and they’ll bitch and moan about everything and everyone (except other bloggers). Here’s a typical day in the life of a blogger:

7:00 AM Wake up
7:01 AM Run to computer to see if anyone comments on yesterday’s blog posts
7:02 AM Create new post about how stupid alarm clocks are
7:15 AM Burn toast in toaster
7:16 AM Post about how burnt toast sucks
7:20 AM Send links to all of my blogger friends
7:25 AM Take a shower, drop the soap
7:35 AM Post about how soap shouldn’t be slippery, read own blog and laugh at amusing burnt toast post
7:40 AM Get dressed, head out door to work
7:41 AM Check for trackbacks and comments on own blog one last time before leaving for work
8:01 AM Get to work, log into PC
8:02 AM Post about the traffic and a funny billboard on the way to work.
8:06 AM Check for comments and trackbacks on previous days posts.
8:08-11:59 AM Bounce around from blog to blog, checking to see what other bloggers are talking about
12 Noon — Lunch!
12:01 PM Post about soggy bread and the guy at the office that said “which” instead of “that” in a passing hallway conversation.
12:02 PM Check for comments and trackbacks on toast and traffic posts
12:03-1 PM — Still lunch!
1:01 PM Check for daily news articles to post about. Mostly just look at other blogs and see what they said, then try to come up with a witty comment or spin on their take.
2:00 PM Post witty comment on another blog
2:01 PM Check blog stats to see if anyone’s reading my blog
2:05 PM Email to Sitemeter complaining about lack of users and that something must be wrong with their tracking
2:06 PM Back to the news, look for more daily events
2:08 PM Run to bathroom
2:10 PM Post about how your work never has enough toilet paper and how the floor is always wet in the Men’s room
2:12 PM Check for comments and trackbacks on earlier posts
2:15 PM Search Technorati to make sure tags are showing up, wonder why other blogs are ranked higher
2:20 PM Boss requests private meeting about internet usage at work
2:45 PM Post about receiving 4th warning this week about blogging from work, boss’s stain on shirt
2:47 PM Put head down, take short nap
3:15 PM Start eyeing clock to see if it’s 5, post about how long the day seems when you’re not blogging
3:20 PM Check for comments and trackbacks on earlier posts
3:25 PM Ping Technorati and email complaint about Tag search results
3:45 PM Check out Craigslist (Ebay is SOOOO 2002) for new gigs, daily banter with co-worker
3:50 PM Post about how cube life sucks, new stapler and iPod mods
4:00 PM-4:30 PM Check for comments and trackbacks on earlier posts, comment on other blogs
4:31 PM Take off from work, scuff shoe on doorjam on the way out
4:32 PM Blackberry blog post about scuffed shoe
5:00 PM Home at last, check for comments and trackbacks on earlier posts, wonder why no one reads your blog or comments
5:05 PM Dinner time! Bust out a can of Spaghetti-O’s
5:06 PM Blog about Spaghetti-O’s
5:09 PM-5:30 PM Surf news sites that haven’t been updated since 7:30 AM, blog about lack of updating on news sites
5:31 PM Check for comments and trackbacks on Spaghetti-O’s post
5:35 PM Continue working on homemade “Linux ROCKS!” ad, try emailing the homemade iPod ad guy
7:00 PM Blog about what a jerk the homemade iPod guy is for not responding immediately to your request for an interview for your blog
7:05 PM Check for comments and trackbacks
7:10 PM Ping Technorati with new posts
7:12 PM Launch Instant Messenger; have no friends, therefore no friends online
7:13 PM Post blog about how only losers spend their time NOT blogging
7:17 PM Check for comments and trackbacks
7:20 PM Head outside with digital camera, take pictures of neighborhood trash, pigeon shit, buildings, funny t-shirt a guy on the street is wearing
8:00 PM Post photos to Flickr and “offline” experience to blog
9:00 PM Ping technorati, check for comments and trackbacks
9:01 PM Turn on COPS
9:22 PM Blog about stupid people during COPS commercial break
9:23 PM Check for comments and trackbacks
9:55 PM Put pajamas on, blog about toothpaste manufacturers screwing everyone by not making the top of the tube soft to get all of the toothpaste out
10:00 PM Check for comments and trackbacks
10:01 PM Set Blackberry alerts for any comments or trackbacks on blog
10:02 PM Night night

OK, so it’s not THAT bad… but it’s not that far off either.

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