Being on the road a lot give me the pleasure of experiencing different towns, cultures and, unfortunately, driving styles. Here’s a quick rundown of five stereotypes that you may have encountered on our nation’s highways and driveways.
1. The Honker
Typically raised in the tri-state New York area, the Honker can’t help but let you know you didn’t pull off the line fast enough, you’re stupidly pausing to let the old lady cross the street or that you didn’t turn fast enough out of a parking lot into oncoming traffic. Yes, the Honker’s patience are thin because he’s in a hurry and can’t be bothered with common decency or respect for the neighborhood’s noise level.
2. Quick Draw McGraw
I never experienced this until moving to New Jersey, but apparently it’s OK to cut off all oncoming traffic on a left hand turn – but only as soon as the light turns green. This was a revelation to me as I normally would wait until a car wasn’t 20 feet in front of me before turning, but apparently if you don’t cut someone off as soon as the light turns green you’re an asshole for not turning. Huh.
3. Jerry, The Race Car Driver
Maybe it’s because I grew up in the Motor City but it seems like every moron with a Hemi or import sports car that pulls up next to me wants to drag race. I’m not sure if it’s the greased-back hair, the hand rolled cigarette behind my ear or the leather jacket and white t-shirt, but for some reason me in a Honda Pilot full of kids makes the jerk next to me think I’m up for a race. I’m not. I’m just trying to get to the Whole Foods to buy some organic milk, dick.
4. My Right Hand Man
Yet another Jersey phenomenon, but there’s no need to pull up right next to me in the parking lane to try and get ahead. Sit back, stay in line and we’ll all make it through. You cutting ahead in line doesn’t make things go faster, it just creates a traffic jam in the intersection.
5. The Moving Coffin
This one might upset a few people, but I’ll disclose that this one isn’t mine, which thereby relieves me of all legal and “OMFG I’M OFFENDED AND I REALIZE THAT THE F IN OMFG COULD OFFEND SOMEONE ELSE” hissy fits. I’m not here to advocate for death planning, but putting Grandpa in his Sunday best, strapping him in with a seatbelt in the DeSoto and sending him off on the road to die isn’t exactly helpful to those of us trying to get somewhere. Here’s how you know it’s time to get off the road: You can no longer drive and hold your jaw shut at the same time.
Any others I missed?