It’s Time to Kill the Dress Shirt Pocket

I used to work in retail and have always been pretty observant of fashion trends. I don’t always follow them (see: Parachute pants, Skidz and skinny jeans) because well, just because they’re at Fashion Week doesn’t mean it looks good on most people or should be worn outside of a runway show. But there are some fashions that have made the mainstream that just need to go away, especially for men. I’m, of course, referring to dress shirt pockets.

You might be thinking “Dave, that’s bullshit. I love having my pocket on my dress shirt. It allows me to hold a pencil, my train pass, and sometimes a tampon for my wife when we’re out and she needs one.” And to that I say:

NICE CHEST PURSE.

or possibly:

THAT’S GREAT, GRANDPA.

Or maybe it’s just that you’ve given up. Dress shirt pockets, indeed, are the George Costanza sweat pants of your work wardrobe.

JC Penney called, they want their helmet hair and douchey clothes back.

In fact, the more I think about it, I can’t think of one legitimate reason for anyone to want to have a pocket on their dress shirt. It’s bad enough we suffered through cargo pants and fanny packs, but men deserve to have one article of clothing that doesn’t have to hold anything.

“But Dave, it makes life more convenient! I can throw my phone in there and my business cards!”

Do you have any fucking idea how many people with pacemakers that probably kills? Or think about the fact that you have pants with pockets? Or better yet, how about just emailing your contact info to the people you meet, you tree killer? Jesus, you are really a selfish bastard at this point.

“But Dave, my wife thinks they’re cool. She must, I mean, she buys all of my dress clothes at Kohl’s so you know she’s a thrifty, fashion-conscious shopper.”

Your wife hates you, and even worse, she’s dressing you like a douchebag. Think about it: her mission to spend as little as possible on your threads so you look as unattractive as possible to the opposite sex. She’s not thinking about how cool you could look but more about how much money is left over for her expensive shoes. And she’s probably laughing behind your back when you leave the house in pleated Dockers with a “really handsome” button down plaid, short sleeve shirt. With a fucking pocket.

Men, join me here. Let’s start a movement and make the dress shirt pocket a thing of the past. Leave a comment to “sign the petition” below… and R.I.P., dress shirt pocket.

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  16. LiteralDan says:

    But where else am I going to keep my decorative handkerchief?? Or my fancy pens I need everyone to know I own??No one will see them in my pants pockets!

  17. LissieC says:

    Thank GOD you dont wear skinny jeans. I like to point and laugh at men who wear skinny jeans.What you are describing is not a dress shirt however. Its a casual button down, and pockets are ok for them.

  18. Vinny says:

    Shirt pockets do not camouflage moobs. At all. In fact, they make it worse because over time, the top of the pocket pulls away from the shirt itself making the moobs even more poofy.Trust me. 😉

  19. Can pleated pants go out with the chest-pocked shirt?

  20. Brittany says:

    ZOMG I love man rallying cries!Hmmm….trying to think if I have caught you in skinny jeans??*thinky face*Listen, the pockets are hot. For real, totally not douchey at all. Adds flair. plus, fat guys need them to camouflage their boobs a bit. Maybe if you bring back the ascot? You can't have shirts with chest pockets if you are wearing an ascot, it's just too busy. Everyone knows that.

  21. dbinkowski says:

    Ok fine, my next post will be about horses and tech. 😉

  22. COD says:

    This post is not relevant to my interests. I wear a dress shirt about twice a month.

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